


Long Before You

by inabodycastofglass



Category: Tales of Graces
Genre: Accidental kidnapping, Hades and Persephone AU, M/M, Richard and Sophie are gods
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-15
Updated: 2017-08-03
Packaged: 2018-09-08 18:56:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8857021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inabodycastofglass/pseuds/inabodycastofglass
Summary: In a single moment Richard saved, and destroyed, Asbel's life.Update: I might be shutting down my account.





	1. Never start a relationship off with a kidnapping. Promise me.

**Author's Note:**

> This is an unusual story for me since I don't know exactly where I'm going with it. It sprung from an idea in a moment, and I just went with it. I almost didn't post it.  
> Admittedly, I still feel nervous about posting it.

Richard had first seen the boy when he was only a page eleven-years-old. He was exactly like every other child at the academy; boisterous, hard-headed, determined. He wanted to be a hero. The only thing that stood out was the undercurrent of sadness that he seemed far too young to have.

But Richard had things to do, so he left the boy to his own devices.

The next time he saw him was four years later, when he became a squire. He'd grown significantly, both physically and emotionally. He was stronger, more sure, humbled. There was a seriousness that countered his waning cockiness now. Richard could see the beginnings of a man inside his heart.

The third time he saw him was intentional. It was the day of his knighting ceremony. Richard hid in the shadows, seeing, but unseen. He watched him get knighted, socialize, dance.

Richard could no longer ignore the ever growing part of him that was attracted to the young man. Which meant he could never see him again.

So he left as his head began to ache, imagining the man's eyes land on him as he did. Wishful thinking.

The next time they met would be the young knight's death.

* * *

There was a part of Richard that was horrified to see the young knight in the midst of war less than a year later, even as he'd learnt to anticipate the early death for those in his occupation.

But the man had not yet reached his prime. In many ways he was still only a child. But, as Richard pulled one soul after another from the battlefield, his eyes were drawn to the way the man swung his sword with a mix of heroic recklessness and blind determination that people never really grew out of. He was a force, and Richard knew he was going to die. He could see it in the frantic beat of his heart.

He could see the moment, when the man set his sights on an enemy, and another charged in from his left.

Richard's head pounded, and the next moment his arm was around the mans waist, and the enemy was on the ground.

The reality of what Richard had done hit him with a crippling nausea. He'd interfered with fate. With the fate of a mortal. He'd stopped a mortal's death.

This was not good.

The man looked up at him, gaping. "I know you."

In a moment of panic, Richard tightened his arm around the man's waist and left the battlefield with him. 

* * *

Richard paced his room, fidgeting, fighting with himself not to stand over his bed and stare at his new prisoner, settling instead on casting several glances at him a minute.

What had he been thinking? He knew better than to interact with mortals in any way, at least not the living. Everyone had a time. He knew that. Every god knew that. It wasn't his place to interfere.

He glanced at the man again. What was he going to do now?

He stirred, and Richard rushed to his side. Slowly he opened his eyes, and Richard saw that they were blue. He'd never been close enough before to tell.

He groaned, closing his eyes tight, and tried to sit up, Richard helping him. "What happened?"

There was a lump in Richard's throat. "You almost died."

"It feels like it." He looked to Richard, and gave him a weak smile. "Thank you."

His stomach twisted. "Of course."

The man looked around. "Where are we?"

Richard took a deep, shaking breath. "My kingdom."

"What?" The man looked at him. He looked genuinely confused, then, very slowly, Richard could see some sort of dawning realisation in his eyes. "You said I almost died, right?"

Richard was unable to speak for a moment. His mouth was dry. "Yes."

The man's face hardened as he understood the situation he was in. "So why don't I have any wounds?"

Richard's voice came out in a pathetic whisper. "I'm sorry."

The man looked down, his breath going ragged. His muscles tensed under Richard's touch. "I need to be alone."

Richard stood up, stepping back. "Of course. I'll be at the end of the corridor if you need me."

He cast one last look at the man, his hand on the door shaking, before leaving.

* * *

It was hours before the man left Richard's room, and a single day had never felt so long before. But when he heard footsteps echo down the empty corridor, sounding strange due to their rarity, he pushed himself to his feet.

The man stopped in the doorway, watching Richard for several minutes, wary and exhausted.

He let out a sigh. "We're in the underworld, aren't we?"

Richard forced himself to stand up straight. "Yes, we are."

There was a pause. "You're the god of death, then?"

"Yes."

The man took a deep breath and walked over to him. His eyes traveled around the room, taking it in, passing over Richard like he wasn't there, or like he didn't want to see him. Slowly he ascended the stairs to the dais, leaning on the side of the unused second throne beside his.

Crossing his arms, he looked at Richard. "So, what happened?"

* * *

The man (who was named Asbel) wandered around the palace in a daze, somewhere between lost and frantic. Occasionally he would come to Richard to ask a question, but then he would leave again.

Richard understood. He'd saved Asbel's life, but he'd also effectively killed him in the same moment. The life that Richard led was not one for a mortal. But there was no undoing what had been done.

It was a month later, when Sophie came by, that things began to change.

Richard greeted her at the entrance with a hug and a kiss on the forehead. "Is it winter already?"

"It is! I will have nothing to do for the next four months until the ground thaws."

"Well you're always welcome here. You can stay as long as you'd like."

It was all superfluous, of course. She'd already marched past him, beginning a story about an acorn, a squirrel, and a toddler. She liked to tell him stories of life to balance out the death that consumed his entire world.

He followed her to the library, her favourite place here, where she stopped just inside, awestruck by the sight of Asbel, reading on one of the couches. She pointed at him. "Richard, there's a living person in here."

Asbel stood up, his face a faint pink. "I'm sorry, I didn't realise you'd be in here today."

"You have no reason to apologise, Asbel. You're welcome anywhere, at any time."

Sophie tugged on his sleeve. "Richard, why is there a living person here?"

Richard's stomach twisted. "That's a story for another time." He cleared his throat. "Sophie, I would like you to meet Asbel. He's a guest here."

She watched him for a moment. "Is he nice?"

"He's very nice."

She nodded. "Hello, Asbel. I'm Sopheria."

"It's good to meet you, Sopheria." He glanced at Richard, then quickly back to Sophie. "Are you..." He took a breath, looking pained.

"Sophie is a goddess."

"A goddess?"

"I am. I'm the Goddess of flowers and the springtime." She bounced on her toes, watching Asbel with interest.

"Sophie should also be the Goddess of curiosity." He put a hand on her head. "She wants to know everything there is to know. She's insatiable."

"I can't be, though. Pascal's already the Goddess of knowledge."

"I'm sure she'd be willing to share if you asked her."

Sophie shook her head. "No, that's okay. Asbel, what are you reading." She walked  over to him, her hair floating up behind her as if a breeze had found its way inside.

"Oh, this?" He held it up so she could see the cover. "It's a book on Lhant history."

"I haven't read that one yet."

She sat down, and Asbel took the queue to join her.

Richard watched them, smiling softly. Asbel finally seemed to be relaxing.

He decided to leave them to their conversations, but Sophie noticed his exit.

"Richard, where are you going?"

He gave her a smile. "I have some work to do. I'll see you at dinner, all right?"

She pursed her lips. "Okay. But be careful."

His smile warmed. "Of course, Sophie. Goodbye."

He left for his office.

* * *

Richard would have skipped dinner had he not promised Sophie. His body was tired, and every movement caused him pain. But he forced himself to the dining hall despite.

Sophie and Asbel were having a discussion when he entered, which mostly involved Asbel answering questions, while Sophie leant into him, asking, "why" over and over like a toddler.

Richard took a seat at the head of the table.

Sophie took Asbel's hand, her plate in her other, and pulled him over so they could both sit beside him. "You're late, Richard."

"I'm sorry, Sophie. I had a lot to do. I hope you two weren't bored."

She shook her head. "No. Asbel's been teaching me lots of things."

"Has he?" Richard gave Asbel a smile and a nod as a thank you. "Well, I'm glad you two are getting along so well."

"I like Asbel. I'm glad he's here."

Richard's stomach twisted. He and Asbel locked eyes for a moment before they both looked away awkwardly.

"Richard, you're not eating?"

"Oh, of course." He took some fruit from in front of him and placed it on his plate.

"Richard." Sophie leant into him. "Are you not eating again?"

"Of course not. I'm just a bit dazed. It's been a very long day." He ate a grape. "See?"

She didn't seem convinced, but decided not to argue, instead sharing a story with the two of them as they ate.

Richard hardly listened, however. He was stuck in the pit of guilt he'd been sitting in ever since he'd abducted Asbel that distracted him from everything, including his work. He could hardly manage the appropriate responses when Sophie required them.

When dinner ended, Richard walked Sophie to her room, holding up her weight as she began to drift. Her body was naturally attuned to the sun, and as soon as it went down, so did she.

As he pulled her covers up, she hummed, unable to open her eyes. "Richard?"

"Yes, Sophie?"

She took a deep breath. "I really like Asbel."

She was asleep as soon as his name passed her lips, so he didn't need to respond, but there was a warmth in his chest that drew an honest smile from him. "Me, too, Sophie. Me too." He kissed her forehead. "Good night."

He slipped out silently, twisting the handle to close the door.

He jumped when he turned around to see Asbel beside him, gasping. "Asbel." He put a hand to his chest, taking a deep breath. "You startled me."

"I'm sorry." His cheeks were tinged pink. "I was watching you put Sophie to bed."

Richard hummed. "She's quite taken with you."

Asbel nodded. "She's nice."

"But a bit odd to a human."

He chuckled at Asbel's blush and sputtered denial. "It's fine. She's fully aware of herself. I'm sure your honest nature is a large part of the reason she likes you so much. You don't pretend she's normal." He blushed at his own words, putting a hand to his mouth. "We should go, let her sleep."

"Right."

Asbel followed him down the corridor. Richard expected him to wander off, into any of the rooms or down another corridor, but he walked into Richard's office with him.

Richard didn't know what to make of it. As he sat down at his desk, he looked up at Asbel. "Is there something you wanted?"

"Oh." Asbel looked away. "No. Sorry. I'll go."

Richard felt a shock at Asbel's choice to be in the same room as him without any desire for answers Richard could hardly give him. He let Asbel leave without saying a word, watching him walk out stupidly.


	2. Secret

Sophie seemed to be the missing piece between Richard and Asbel. When she was there, the two of them could talk almost with ease. But when she was asleep, or reading in the library, it was tense and uncomfortable. They rarely spoke, or even looked at each other, and Asbel would always rush from the room after only seconds.

After a week, Sophie decided that Asbel was trustworthy enough to share her secret with.

She pulled him by the hand, going just too fast for a walk and making it difficult for Asbel to keep upright. “Keep your eyes closed, Asbel.”

“They’re closed.” He smiled at Sophie’s antics, nearly tripping had Richard not caught his arm. “Thanks.”

“Sophie, you might want to slow down. Asbel’s legs aren’t as long as mine.”

She did for about five seconds.

“We’re here.” She stopped and turned back to Asbel, standing on her toes and waving a hand in front of his face to make sure he wasn’t peaking. When he didn’t react, she looked to Richard, nervous.”

He nodded, and she smiled, completely reassured. She opened the door in front of them. “Okay, you can look now.”

They both watched as Asbel’s face changed from one that was expecting to humour a young girl to one of honest awe.

He walked slowly through the door into Sophie’s garden, looking slowly over the many flowers that illuminated the room in a rainbow of lights. “Sophie, this is amazing.”

“I made them. This one’s a forsenthia.” She pulled him over to the bush.

Richard followed them. “Sophie made these all to grow in darkness so that I could have flowers just like everyone else.”

“Everyone should have flowers.” She knelt down beside the apronths. “These can grow all year, because there’s no winter here.”

She walked him through every plant, explaining what it was and what it’s uses were, over the next couple hours, while Asbel listened to every word with interest.

Richard stood back, watching them, happy to see such life in his home, where he usually saw just emptiness.

* * *

Asbel helped Richard carry Sophie, already asleep, to her bed that night, a contented smile on his face. He watched as Richard tucked her in and gave her the hug she unconsciously asked for. And again he followed Richard back to the throne room.

This time Richard didn’t say anything to scare him off, only fiddled with his work, not really accomplishing anything. There was a burning sensation on his skin wherever Asbel was closest.

It was when Richard was pink in the face, ready to flee that Asbel finally spoke.

“You really seem to care about Sophie.”

Richard looked up, somehow surprised, though it was the most obvious comment to make. He hesitated long enough that Asbel looked up from tracing the patterns on the door frame, the eye contact making Richard’s heart skip.

“I do. She’s my favourite person in the world.” He looked down at his paperwork, smiling. “She calls me her ‘big brother’ thought she’s infinitely older than me.”

“She is?” Asbel let out a puff of air. “I couldn’t tell.”

“I wouldn’t expect you could.”

“Because I’m a mortal?”

Richard look up, at a loss for words

“It’s okay. I know that I’m an outsider here.” Asbel looked back to the door frame. “One of these days I’ll die, and you two will still be here, living, going about your business.”

Richard stood up, moving out from behind his desk. “Asbel, what’s this about?”

Asbel closed his eyes, taking a breath, and Richard waited, his hand on his desk to steady himself. He knew little of Asbel, but he knew this was uncharacteristic of him.

“Why did you save me?”

Richard’s heart skipped. “Asbel, maybe you shouldn’t ask that. It might be better not to know.”

“Richard, please.” He took a step closer, and Richard refrained from stepping back. “I need to know. I was supposed to die that day, so why save me? Why me?”

He forced himself to hold Asbel’s gaze. He knew he would have to explain eventually. But that didn’t make it easier. “Asbel, there’s something you have to understand about me.” He took a shuddering breath. “To be the god of death, I need to have a sense of cruelty, and of kindness. If I lack one of those traits, the cycle is imbalanced.”

He fell into a chair, putting his face in his hands. “I could never stomach taking people’s lives. Which means something had to be done to fix that.” He looked at Asbel, who was staring at him, enraptured by his horrid confession. “I have another side to myself, a selfish, cruel side. It takes over, and forces me to do things I would never otherwise do.”

“That’s why you took me here?”

Richard nodded.

Asbel fell to a nearby seat, staring sightlessly ahead. “But why me?”

Richard went to answer when the door opened, making them both jump.

Sophie looked at them, rubbing her eye. “Richard?”

He rushed to her side, clinging to her interruption as a chill passed through him. “Sophie? What’s wrong?”

“I felt like you needed my help.”

He smiled down at her. “Thank you, Sophie, but I’m fine.”

She looked doubtfully up at him. “Are you sure?”

“I am.” He took her hand, so warm, and held it tightly. “Let’s get you back to bed.”

“Okay.” She yawned. “Will you stay with me until I fall back asleep?”

He almost laughed, knowing the onslaught of drowsy questions that awaited him in that room. “Of course.” He turned back to Asbel. “Please excuse us.”

Asbel nodded, and Richard turned away. His reprieve would be short lived, he knew. He would have to return to that conversation soon. But at least now he would have time to think.

* * *

Because of work, Richard didn’t see Asbel again for five days. When he finally did, Asbel had seemingly forgotten about their conversation. And, while he knew it couldn’t last long, it was nice while it did.

Unfortunately, he was also unable to see Sophie. So, when he entered the library, she ran to him, nearly knocking him to the ground with her arms around his waist She looked up at him. “You’ve been working too much.”

He placed a hand on the back of her head. “I’m sorry. It can’t be helped. But I have some free time now.”

“Good. Because Asbel and I have something to show you.” She took him by the hand and led him to the back of the library, farther back than he typically went.

It was a tiny, intricate blanket fort, which made him laugh. It was tall enough for the two of them to walk under, but Richard, with three inches on Asbel, would have to duck.

“May I enter?”

Sophie straightened. “I must confer with Asbel first.”

He could tell she’d been reading novels again by the way she’d spoken, which meant that he would have to explain that it wasn’t history again.

She rushed into the fort, and Richard could hear their officialish whispers, though he chose not to listen. Instead he took in their handiwork.

It was interesting, if nothing else. They’d used everything they could find, including brooms, chairs, and stacks of books. Richard would never be able to reorganise them.

She came out a moment later, smiling. “You may enter.”

Richard gave her a bow. “My thanks, Lady Sophie.”

She was pleased pink.

He followed her in and was a little surprised to find how cramped it was. The outside had looked so massive. When he sat at one corner of their triangle, his knees touched both Sophie’s and Asbel’s. It was dim inside, so they couldn’t make out his blush at the rare contact.

“We’re sharing stories.”

“Are you?” Richard made brief eye contact with Asbel, and he smiled, thinking the same thing. “It was the same as every other day.

“Yes. And you need to tell one, Richard.”

“Me?”

“Yes, because you’re new.”

It was humorous to him, that he could be “new” when the fort itself was only a few days old at most. But he played by their rules. “What would you like to hear?”

The two of them looked at each other, and Richard was a bit jealous of the bond they shared so quickly.

Asbel turned to him first. “How about why you always wear those gloves?”

Richard held up a hand. “These gloves?”

Sophie sat up on her knees. “I want to know, too.”

Richard’s face was grim. “That is a story.”

He took in their wanting expressions and sighed. “You see, I’m the god of death.” He let the words sink in, and continued slowly. “At first I didn’t understand my powers. I knew what I was, but not how.”

Sophie nodded, understanding.

“So, on my first trip to the outer world, I touched a human in curiosity, and-” His voice caught.

Sophie gasped, covering her mouth with both hands.

She and Asbel gave him identical looks of shock, their eyes wide, necks and shoulders tense.

Asbel leaned forward. “So your hands…” He tried not to look at them, but did.

Richard began to laugh. “No. I’m sorry.” He gave a quiet “heh-hem”, covering his mouth. “It’s just a fashion choice.”

Sophie’s mouth hung open. “You lied to us?”

Uh oh.

“Richard didn’t lie, Sophie.” Asbel shifted awkwardly in the small space, nearly slipping off his cushion. “He was teasing us, telling a joke.”

“But what he said wasn’t true.”

“It wasn’t, but it was different than a lie.”

“How?”

Asbel seemed to struggle for a moment while Richard also searched for an answer. “Well, a joke is a story that’s meant to make you laugh. It’s not supposed to be true. Does that make sense?”

She shook her head. “Not really.”

“Well, how about this.” Asbel looked around for something, though all they could see were the patched together blanket walls. “Novels. Those aren’t true, but they’re okay to tell, right?”

She paused, thinking it over before nodding. “That makes sense.” She smiled at Richard. “Thank you, Asbel.”

* * *

Richard came back that night to find Sophie curled up with Asbel, both of them asleep. It was extremely endearing, making Richard wish he had a way to preserve that moment forever, safe from the passage of time, of death.

There was a sharp, burning pain in his head, making his vision go white. Waves of heat pulsed through him like liquefied fire, sending him to his knees. He wanted to scream, to let out a wail from the depths of his soul and beg for the pain to stop, but all he could muster was a voiceless squeak.

The pain passed, leaving him curled up on the ground, panting, gasping, covered in sweat, shivering.

Slowly, as soon as he could breathe, he got to his feet, his clothes soaked through. He was unsteady, nearly plummeting into Sophie and Asbel, who were still asleep.

Slowly, making sure he wouldn’t collapse, he knelt down and shook Asbel’s shoulder.

Asbel shifted and groaned. Slowly he blinked up at Richard, squinting to see him in the dim light of the single candle. “Richard.” He closed his eyes tight, stretching. “What’s going on?”

“You and Sophie fell asleep.”

Asbel sat up, looking around. “We’re still in the library?” He looked at Richard, his eyes focusing. “Hey, are you okay?”

“I’m fine. I was hoping you could help me carry Sophie back to her room.”

Richard wasn’t good at reading Asbel, mostly because he seemed so morose ever since Richard abducted him. But there was a vulnerability in his half-asleep state. He was worried about Richard, staring at him with half lidded, intense eyes. It was more than Richard had ever expected, and it made his chest ache.

“Yeah.”

Asbel carefully lifted Sophie into his arms, and she wrapped her arms around his neck.

He seemed to be struggling with her weight as they walked to her room, which Richard could only blame on just waking up, since his knight training would have made him capable to carry two Sophie’s.

Still, he looked strong walking with his head held high, staring straight ahead, his stride wide and even. He looked made to be a knight, and Richard had taken that from him.

As soon as Asbel was able to separate himself from Sophie, Richard kissed her forehead and they tip-toed out, despite that Sophie could sleep through anything. “Why do you kiss her every night?”

As soon as he’d said, “why”, Richard had expected more questions about his abduction, which he couldn’t handle just then.

“There are two generations of gods, not far apart from each other. The latter generation are all attached to each other. But the earlier generation are all separate entities.”

“So Sophie’s from the earlier generation?”

“We both are. So we’ve decided to create a little family; a suggestion by a friend of ours. We consider ourselves siblings.”

“I get that. I have a little brother.”

“You do?”

“Yeah. Hubert.” He looked up, stumbling. “I haven’t seen him since I joined the academy, though. He sighed. “I wonder if he’s doing okay. He used to be such a cry baby.”

Richard had never considered that Asbel had a family before. When he’d first saw him, he was already at the academy. Everything before that had been just a vague concept. His stomach churned.

As they passed Asbel’s room, Richard turned to him. “Good night, Asbel.”

There was a peculiar look in Asbel’s eyes as he looked at Richard that he could hardly decipher.

He didn’t.

Instead he left for his own room, putting it out of his mind.


	3. Lambda

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the confusion. Here's the real chapter three.

“Asbel, have you ever been in love?”

He and Richard looked up at Sophie, who was laying on her stomach, a romance novel held out in front of her.

“What?”

She looked to Asbel. “Have you ever been in love?”

Asbel looked to Richard for help, but he only shrugged. “That’s a complicated question”

“Why is it complicated?”

“Well.” Asbel’s face was pink. “There are different types of love.”

Sophie sat up, her legs tucked under her. “Different types of love?”

“Yeah. Like, how you love your friends, or your family.”

Sophie looked down at her novel, furrowing her brows.

Richard gave her an amused smile. “I think what’s Sophie’s asking is if you’ve ever had a lover.”

The deep red of Asbel’s blush was worth the tightness in Richard’s chest.

Sophie looked between them. “Lover?”

“It means a person you share a romantic love with.”

“I don’t understand.”

Richard got up from his seat, setting his book on it, and went over to sit beside her. “Romantic love is a special kind of love that’s different from others. It’s a whirlwind in your chest, constant movement, always thinking about them, wondering what they’re doing, desperately wanting them to love you back.”

Sophie made a face. “That doesn’t sound good.”

Richard laughed. “Sometimes. But it can also be wonderful. It can be warm and bright. Seeing them smile can make your whole day better. Your eyes follow them as they move, and you just want to be near them.”

He could see Asbel leaning forward, his mouth open, listening intently.

“Sometimes a single touch can send a chill through your body, and you can feel it on your skin for hours after. A single word from them can make you feel like you’re flying.”

“Wow.” Sophie sat up straight, looking at the ceiling. “I can’t imagine it, but it sounds nice.” She looked to him. “Have you ever been in love, Richard?”

He smiled, though he could feel how tense it was, his lips thin. “I have.”

“Wow.” She leaned into him. “And did that person love you, too?”

He put his hand on her head. “No.”

This seemed to shock her. “Why not?”

Richard’s throat burned.

Asbel stood up. “Hey Sophie, didn’t you say you wanted to try cooking dinner tonight?”

“Asbel, that was supposed to be a surprise. You ruined it.”

Richard gave him a smile. He’d earned Sophie’s wrath in order to save him, without even realising that it was Asbel he needed saving from. It was so convoluted it made him laugh.

Sophie turned to him, her frustration gone. “What’s so funny?”

He cleared his throat. “It’s nothing. I should be getting back to work.”

“Already?”

Richard smiled at her. “I’m sorry. I’ll try to make it to dinner. I would hate to miss what you make.”

She looked down. “Okay.”

His chest clutched. “Why don’t you tell Asbel about the skunk by the river? I’m sure he’ll love it.”

This didn’t seem to perk her up at all, but there was nothing he could do. He shouldn’t have even spared the time he had been over the last few weeks for her.

He kissed her forehead and left, trying to push away the awful feeling of disappointing her.

* * *

When Richard didn’t show up at dinner, Sophie and Asbel came looking for him, finding him in a heap on the floor, books and paper strewn about. He clutched his head, gritting his teeth, unable to hold still, his body writhing.

“Richard!”

Asbel lifted Richard into his arms, causing a white pain to blind him. “What’s wrong with him?”

Sophie dropped to her knees next to him. “Lambda.” She shifted through his stuff, and he couldn’t tell her to stop.”

“What’s Lambda?”

“Richard’s mean side.” She grabbed a stack of paper and looked through them.

“Why is it hurting him?” Asbel was yelling, clinging to Richard.

Sophie tossed the papers aside. “When Richard does nice things, Lambda hurts him.”

“What do you mean?”

“Lambda’s selfish and mean. He doesn’t let Richard do selfless things.”

Richard yelled out, grabbing one of Asbel’s arms, gripping the sleeves, his knuckles white.

Asbel held him tighter, curling around him. “What do we do?”

Sophie shook her head. “We can’t do anything. We just have to wait.” She threw the papers in her hands on the floor. “I can’t figure it out. I don’t know why he’s hurting.”

Asbel reached over and put a hand on her shoulder. “It’s okay. We’ll figure this out.”

She sat next to them, leaning over Richard. “You’re gonna be okay.” She touched his face, his skin soaked with sweat. “I promise.” Her voice cracked.

* * *

When Richard woke, he found himself between Sophie and Asbel on the floor, the other two asleep.

Sophie’s face was pressed to his chest, and Asbel held his waist from behind. It was so intimate and felt warm. Richard let out a soft sigh before realising what this meant, causing his stomach to fill with a twisting cold.

His body ached, and he wanted to move, and he didn’t want to wake them.

There was a sharp pain at the front of his skull at the thought, and he sat up, unable to bear it so soon after an episode.

They both stirred, but only Asbel woke. He sat up, looking at Richard, his worry clear in the candlelight.

“I’m sorry to wake you.”

Asbel leaned into him, touching his face, making his heart skip. “Are you okay?”

“I am. Thank you for your concern.” He made to stand up, and Asbel was at his side, his arm around his waist, helping him, supporting him. He sighed. “Thank you, Asbel, you are very kind.”

“No, it’s…” He bit his lip. “Richard, what happened? Sophie said it was something - someone - called Lambda, but I don’t really understand.”

Richard tensed. He knew this was coming. “Help me get Sophie to bed and I will explain everything.”

The two of them sat on Richard’s bed, Richard at the head, Asbel at the foot. Neither of them spoke as Richard tried to figure out what to say to Asbel. Obviously he needed to tell the truth. But how much of it?

To Asbel’s credit, he didn’t pressure Richard, just waited for him. Perhaps he’d realised that this wasn’t something he wanted to know. But, in the end, it was something he needed to.

“You know about the part of me that’s selfish.”

Asbel nodded. He didn’t reach for the obvious, or jump to conclusions, just waited for Richard to explain.

“That is Lambda.” Richard’s mouth was dry. He wanted to get some water, but knew if he left he would only avoid Asbel again. “He’s selfish, and self-centred. He refuses to let me be in control. When I…” He swallowed. “Fight him, he sends waves of pain through me. It’s unbearable, and I always wind up giving in to him.”

“That’s horrible.”

Richard smiled bitterly. “That’s just my lot.”

“Still-” Asbel cut himself off suddenly. “That’s-” He sighed. “You said he’s there because you couldn’t-”

“Reap souls.” There was no point in tip-toeing around it. Asbel would need to understand sooner or later, and he’d been avoiding it for too long already. “Even the idea was nauseating for decades. “I would do anything to avoid it.”

“So how did this Lambda thing happen? Did he just appear one day?”

“Not really.” Richard wanted to pull his knees to his chest, but it seemed too childish for this conversation. “During the first war, there were hundreds of lives I was supposed to take, but I let them live, which only made things worse.”

There was a silence that stretched for minutes as Asbel processed that. He knew very well what Richard meant.

But every moment ate at Richard more and more.

“What happened?”

Richard took a deep breath. He couldn’t look at Asbel. “I went to Fate, asking her for help.”

There was another moment of silence, a breath, then Asbel stood up and began to pace the room. The air was coated in a thick tension that was almost tangible.

“So I can’t go home, then? Ever?”

“I won’t keep you here against your will, Asbel.” Richard leaned forward, both exhausted and tense. “But, if you do go, I won’t be able to protect you. You will die. Fate always has a way of righting herself, and she is neither kind nor compassionate.”

Asbel leaned against a wall, his legs shaking. “So, is Lambda the one who took me?”

Richard clasped his hands in front of him. “Yes and no.” He took a breath to steady himself. “Lambda may be a different part of me, but he’s still me.”

Asbel leaned his head back, putting a hand over his eyes. “This- I-”

“Maybe you should sleep on this.”

Asbel pushed himself off the wall. “Yeah.” He went to the door, then stopped, keeping his back to Richard.

For a moment he just stood there while Richard waited. Then he left without saying  anything.

* * *

Asbel avoided him after that, making sure to stay clear of every room he’d encountered Richard in.

Richard understood, of course. He’d expected it. In fact, he was continuously waiting for Asbel to walk into whatever room he was occupying and demand to be sent back.

Sophie disliked having to split her time between them, and that neither of them would tell her why.

She came to Richard one afternoon, close to tears, and demanded to know why he couldn’t trust her with this.

It tore at him, deep in his gut. He rushed to her, taking her into his arms, holding her to his chest as she began to sob. He couldn’t speak at first, running his hand over her hair. Sophie cried so rarely he never knew what to do when she did.

He let her cry herself out, as he would have wanted someone to do with him. Then he led her to a sofa, sitting her beside him.

Her eyes were red, and the claws in his gut began to twist before ripping him apart. This was his fault.

He took her hand, squeezing it, and leaned into her. “Sophie, this isn’t about me not trusting you.”

She took a stuttering breath, looking at him. “Really?”

“Really. Sophie, I trust you with my life.” He brushed a few strands of hair behind her ear. “I love you.”

She swallowed, her throat crackling. “Then why won’t you talk to me?”

Richard took a deep breath and let it out with a sigh, leaning back on the sofa. “It’s because of me. I can’t break myself to talk about it. Not just yet.”

Sophie opened her mouth wide, and Richard was already forming his answer to her “why”. But she hung her head, let out a breath, and gave him a quiet, “okay”, instead.

He was at a loss for a moment, unsure of what to do with his explanation. Should he give it to her anyway?

No. It had obviously taken her a lot to be okay with what he said, and he didn’t want to diminish that. So he instead wrapped his arm around her shoulders, pulling her into him, and rested his head on hers. “Thank you.”

“Why are you thanking me, Richard?”

“Because you care. And because you’re letting me not be okay without forcing me to talk about it. And because you’re here for me.”

“Oh.” He could feel the warmth radiate off of her. “You’re welcome.”

She shifted into him, so the way they leaned into each other felt more natural.

He sighed and enjoyed the silent comfort for a little while longer.

* * *

It took almost three full weeks for Asbel to finally face Richard.

It was very late, long after Sophie had gone to sleep. Richard had just come back from a large battlefield reaping, and was glad blood didn’t stick to him or his clothes, since Asbel already looked on edge.

Apparently it was obvious just how far the exhaustion seeped into his bones, because Asbel stood up from the sofa, ready to leave. “I’ll come back.”

“No, stay. I’m fine.” It was a lie, but seeing Asbel after so long steadied the uneasiness in his chest. He moved a bit closer to Asbel, but kept a distance between them. He was obviously still uneasy around Richard with the way he fidgeted. “What brings you here?” He kept his tone forcefully light.

Asbel didn’t look at him. “I was wondering…” He took a breath. “What happens when people die?”

Richard’s arms felt heavy as he removed his jacket. “Are you positive you want to know?”

There was no hesitation. Asbel looked him in the eye. “Yes.”

He couldn’t argue with that, though he wanted to. He knew Asbel would regret it. But he also knew he would never be satisfied until he did. And it wasn’t Richard’s responsibility to make Asbel’s decisions for him.

Richard sighed. “Prepare yourself.”


End file.
